Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Am a Mess

Sorry I missed Weightloss Monday.  But just a little update; I'm still a fat ass.  HOWEVER!  I walked a mile today and then I ran half a mile.  And then I got home and collapsed on my lawn and almost died.  I haven't done much activity since before Isabel was born, and I just kicked my ass.  Plus I'm still sick, so I guess running wasn't a GREAT idea today, but I was pissed and needed to release energy before I went berserk on someone, and I'll tell you all about that in a minute.  Anyway, I'm going to try to run a little every day and get used to it because I wore some pants today that were to big for me when I was pregnant, and today, they damn near don't fit.  I currently wear size 11 pants.  If I can fit into a 9, I feel good about myself.  If I could fit into a 7, I would throw an awesome party and burn my fat clothes.  A 5, ladies and gentlemen, and they would have to carry me out on a stretcher.  So that's what's going on with my fat.  Now for my announcement.

I'm only 20 years old.  (Duh.)
I'm married and have a 1 year old daughter.  (Just wait, it gets better.)
My husband is not my daughter's biological dad. (Known fact. It's on my profile.)
Appx 3 weeks ago, I left my husband.  (We actually live in my parent's basement so I guess I made HIM leave ME.)

This surprised a lot of people.

We were really good at putting out the 'we're happy newly-weds' vibe.  Well, I guess he really was happy.  I was not.  I honestly don't remember the last time I was happy.  I remember thinking I was happy when I got married, however about 2 weeks before the wedding I did think about canceling.  Now, a few months out, I realize that I was doing what I thought would make everyone else happy.  Seeing as my entire family is LDS, I know I was frowned upon for having a baby out of wedlock, even though no one really said anything.  I guess I was thinking that if I got married people would get off my back and then I would be happy.  And that by marrying him, I would forget about my lingering feelings for Isabel's father.  Or something like that.  I guess I wasn't really thinking at all.

I will tell you this; I was not in the right state of mind to be making any kind of important decision.  I was 19 years old and I had just had a baby.  My baby's biological dad had been deported and I was all sorts of messed up over that for several reasons.

OH!  And another thing, I kind of think I'm one of those girls with daddy issues.  God bless my dad for putting up with my shit and trying his hardest, but I definitely blame a lot of things on him.
Today I went by his work and he told me my car needed to be cleaned.

He said, "A messy car reflects the kind of person you are, do you want people to see that?"

I said, "I am a mess."

And then later on at home he suggested I seek counseling.  I'm seriously considering it.

All of this being said, (and I know it's kind of messy, I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts in order today) my husband is a great person.  He treated me well (for the most part, obviously he was doing something wrong).  He loves Isabel as if she were his and he took great care of her.  I have no doubt that he loved (and still loves) me.  He has been a great friend to me over the last couple of years.

Look, I hate being the bad guy.  I hate that I'm breaking his heart.  I hate that I'm taking Isabel from him.  I hate that I'm taking him from Isabel.  I hate that I'm starting to feel like I can't handle a relationship (because I'm starting to think it's genetic.  Between my parents they have 3 divorces).  BUT, when he left, it was like a big weight was lifted off my chest.  Like I said, I'm only 20 years old, and I still need my freedom.  I obviously won't have a ton of it because I have a daughter to raise, and she's my numero uno, but if I'm not happy, that will have a serious affect on her.

So I'm starting over.  It's just gonna be me and my little girl from now until whenever.  (Well, and my parents, because they live upstairs.)  I'm finally going to do what I want and what I think is best for Isabel and I, and I'm feeling really good about it.

No comments:

Post a Comment