Friday, December 7, 2012

I'm back, and this time, I'm on a mission

I know I've neglected my blog, but holy crap, it's 5 in the morning and I haven't slept.  Maybe it's partly because I've been working from 4:30 pm to 4:30 am, and tonight is my night off, but it's mostly because I cannot clear my head, and I'm hoping this will help.  On very rare occasions I start thinking about things that I cannot get out of my head.  For some reason, this just won't leave me alone and I've been on the brink of tears off and on for the last 12 hours because it has got me so worked up.

Tonight was my night off, but I went in to do 6 hours of overtime.  Out of the blue I started thinking about my mother-in-law.  I have never met her, and I never will, and that pisses me off.  When my husband was 3 years old, his mother was killed by her boyfriend.  She was about 24 years old and was the mother of two small boys, my husband and his brother.  From what I've gathered from Cangrejo's grandmother, was that she had an argument with her boyfriend, and it ended when he beat her to death.  He then took her to the local hospital and left her lifeless body in a chair in the waiting room, and walked away.  As far as they know, he was never caught.  They don't know if the bastard lived or died.  It always bothers me when shit like this happens.  When someone has so much life ahead of them, and so much left to do, and then it gets taken away from them just like that.  She now has 3 (almost 4) granddaughters that will never have the pleasure of meeting her.  They will never know their abuela.  She didn't get to see her boys grow up into men and build lives for themselves and their families in the United States.  I've seen two pictures of her, and she was a hauntingly beautiful woman.  My husband has her eyes.  I like to imagine what she would be like.  I think she would love to laugh and joke with people, just like my husband.  I think that, just like both of her boys, would have a very short temper.  I like to think that she would give me a hard time for not being a very good cook and for stealing her Josesito from her, but I also like to believe that we would get along fairly well.

This all got me thinking about domestic violence and the negative impact that it has not only on the direct victims, but all of the people connected to them.  Then I thought about how many people I know that have been abused.  I have been.  It happened once.  An ex that I had drug me up the stairs at a hotel by my hair. I remember kicking and punching and biting him in all of the most sensitive areas, and he didn't even feel it because he was so high.  I know that people saw, and they did nothing.  Once I got away from him I locked myself in the room with two other girls.  I was crying and I told them what happened, and they didn't do anything to help me, didn't even act like they cared.  I still remember that feeling of complete helplessness and loneliness.  I also remember that when I drove away, I swore that I would never, EVER allow anyone to make me feel like that EVER again.

I wonder how many people (men and women) stay with someone that abuses them (whether it be physically or mentally) because they're scared to leave, or because they have children with that person, or because for one reason or another they think that they won't be able to make it on their own.  And how many people know someone that's in an abusive relationship, but they do nothing to help or reach out?  How many children will grow up without a parent because of this?  I think about all of the people my age or younger that grew up watching abuse, and the affect that it has on them.  Will they learn to hate it, like my husband has, or will they continue the cycle and abuse the people around them?

Last year Cangrejo and I were driving home from Salt Lake and decided to take the 'back roads' (aka not the freeway).  We were driving down a stretch of a road that's always pretty busy and we saw a car pulled over to the side.  I saw a man lifting his arm and then I saw it come down on a woman that was in the car.  I let myself get around the bend where we were out of sight before I pulled the car over and pulled out my cell phone to call 911.  I also had to hold my husband in the car, because he was about to get out and beat the shit out of the guy.  While I was talking to dispatch I did a u-turn and drove back towards the car so that I could give them a better description and location.  That's when I saw the little boy that was probably 4 or 5 years old.  By then, one other car and a motorcyclist had pulled over nearby, watching what was happening. The man noticed he was being watched and literally threw the little boy and the woman back into the back seat of the car and drove off.  We stayed with the other car and the motorcyclist tried to follow the car until the police showed up.  After 4 police cars were there and looking for them, my husband convinced me that we could go.  I was shaking, because I guess the adrenaline from the situation had worn off and I was in freak out mode.  For the rest of the drive home, and for the next 2 weeks, that woman and the little boy were stuck in my mind.  From time to time I still wonder if they caught the guy and if the woman and the little boy are safe.  I kick myself for not calling the police station to see if I could get any information about what happened after we left.

I've decided that I have to do something.  I haven't decided what that is yet, but people need to be more aware of the things that go on next door, or down the street, or to their friends, or family.  And people that have to put up with this bull shit need to know that it's okay to ask for help and they need to know what resources they have to get out of that type of situation, and if their aren't enough resources available, then by damn, there needs to be.  I'm going to do something, and it will be in the name of my mother-in-law, que en paz descanse.  If I only help one person, then I only help one person, but something has to be done and a difference has to be made.

All of that being said, suggestions are welcome.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Negative Butt

Husband: You have a nice butt.
Me: I have NO butt!
Husband: Yeah you do, I like it.
Me: I've never had a butt and since I've lost all this weight I have like negative butt.
Husband: You were always complaining about being fat and now that you've lost weight you just complain about where you lost it from.
Me: Cause I didn't need to lose any butt!
Husband: Whatever, I'm done complimenting you.
Me: What about my boobs?

I'm never satisfied.

Oh, and we're having another girl.  Pray for us, cause we're gonna need it.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I'm Not Dead

I'm very alive.  I know I haven't posted since uhh.....I don't remember, but are people really reading this shit anyways???  Whatever.  Anyways, a lot has happened.  Let's see....Isabel turned two, the husband left me for a while because I'm an idiot, I went on vacation to California to work things out with the husband, while there, we got pretty drunk and I got knocked up (don't worry, we had already decided that things were fixed), husband didn't want to go back to Utah, so I went home, got Isabel and all of our shit together and moved to San Jose, which is pretty much hell on earth for us, and now we're going to shimmy on over back to Utah because I've decided it's really not as bad as I've always thought it was.  *SIGH*.

That brings me to today.  I'm sitting here, with all my stuff packed counting the hours until I can get the hell out of here.  I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant (I'm pretty sure it's a boy)! But I have no fun ultrasound pics to show you because, as I implied, this place is freaking stupid and of the two "doctor" appointments that I've had, I still haven't had an ultrasound.  I have already talked to my OB/GYN's office in Utah, and they are getting me in as soon as possible.  (Oct. 4th, but if there's a chance they can get me in sooner they're going to call me.)  More on the crappy health care another day.  Tomorrow morning my mom is flying in and rescuing me, baby, and Isabel. We've already reserved a rental car and we're gonna haul ass back to Utah.  Cangrejo is going to stay for a couple weeks to finish up at his job, and then he'll be coming home to us.

So, that's what's up.  Expect more posts from me, because it's already cold in Utah and my pregnant ass won't have anything to do.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Throwback Thursday

Today I'm going to participate in Tara's Throwback Thursday from over at Me and the Mexican.  I've been thinking lately about how crazy things have been the last couple years and how many crazy twists and turns I've been through.  When thinking of something for today's post.........I logged on to Myspace for the first time in over a year looking for pictures.  Here's just 2 of literally 500 pictures that I found, and they were both taken probably within days of each other.

This is me and my best friend Daysy.  I don't know why, but we both went through this phase with bangs.  And that shirt I'm wearing?  It says "Hello, My Name Is: Gangsta"  Because I was.....obviously.

This one is the real kicker, and I'm really brave putting it up here, because I'm pretty sure that Cangrejo doesn't know this picture even exists.  I wanted to repaint my bedroom and since me and my girlfriends are a bunch of shorties, I called my two favorite guys at the time to help us tape the ceiling.  The guy on the bottom is Cangrejo, who is now my husband.  Back then he was just a friend.  The guy on his shoulders?  Yeah, that's Isabel's biological dad.  Crazy how shit works out.

Monday, March 19, 2012


So, I forgot to show you guys what I did a couple weeks ago.

Yeah.  I got a tattoo.  This picture was taken like an hour after I got it, so it's kind of red against my paper white skin.  Also, some of the red is blood stain, because apparently, I'm a bleeder.  

Also, it hurt like a bitch.  I don't know what's wrong with all those people that are like, "Oh, it doesn't hurt that bad, and after a few minutes your skin kind of goes numb so you don't really feel anything".  Bull shit.  Let me break down that sentence a little.

" doesn't hurt that bad..." - Uh.....yes, it freaking does.
"...after a few minutes your skin goes numb..." - No, it doesn't.
" don't really feel anything..." - Yeah, you do.  And anyone that says otherwise can rot in hell.

I have a pretty high pain tolerance, people, but I almost couldn't handle this.  I was sitting backwards on a folding chair, and I was gripping the back of it so hard that my fingers had turned completely white.  I was giving myself kind of a mental pep talk and trying some relaxation things I learned while I was in labor, but it was all in vain.  Cangrejo kept asking me if I was okay and telling me that I could stop if I wanted to, but when I start something, I finish it, damn it.  And I didn't cry because the guy said that he would charge me an extra twenty bucks if I did.

Now, don't worry, this isn't something I did on a whim.  And some of you might remember a post I did saying that I would never get a tattoo.....well I lied.  I've been thinking about this tattoo for about a year and planning what I wanted.  My tattoo is for Isabel.  Originally, I was just going to get a sun because my mom has always called me 'Sunshine' and that's what I always call Isabel, but I wanted something a little bit more meaningful.  

I was in a really bad place and doing some reaaalllllyyyy bad things before I got pregnant, but as soon as I found out that I was going to be a mother, I dropped everything.  I can't imagine where I would be today if I wouldn't have had Isabel.  That's why I decided to put the sun in front of the clouds along with 'Salio El Sol'.  The words 'Salio El Sol' are Spanish for 'the sun came out' or 'out came the sun' (and I realize that there should be an accent above the 'o' in 'salio' and you have no idea how much it bothers me to have a punctuation error like that on my body, but I'm going back in a couple months to get that fixed.)   ANYWAY.  That's why I got what I did, and I'm really glad that I did it.

It hurt really bad.  Will I ever get another one?  Maybe.  Probably.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I Have Created Life.....Again.

So a few days ago I planted some seeds.


I'm pretty excited about it, if you couldn't tell.  I've started my watermelon, tomatoes, red peppers, and tomatoes in this little tray.  In about a month I should be able to move them outside and then I'll plant the other stuff that I've got.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I love questionnaire thingies.  Back in the days of Myspace, that was my favorite thing to do on the Bulletin Board.  I think it's cause I like talking about myself and I've always wanted to be interviewed for something, ANYTHING.  And this is as close as I can get.  I found these questions over at ... that's what it's really called.  Kendra did 11 questions and I did 7 just because there were a few questions that I was just too lazy to answer.

When was the last time you cried? Why?
I think it was approximately two weeks ago and it was because I was SO MAD that they cut the ESL tutorial class at the school that I used to work at.  I don't know if I was extra hormonal that day or something, but I was FREAKING OUT.  I bitched about it for like half an hour to Cangrejo in the car and then when he said "Why is is such a big deal?" I burst out in tears.  And then later, I cried again when I was telling my mom about it.  I'm still kind of irritated about it because it's making me question my whole future career.  I know that no matter where you work, you're going to encounter a moron or two, but I don't think I should go into education anymore, because I cannot handle being SURROUNDED by idiots.

What celebrity do people say you look most like?
Um.....really?  None.  I take that back.  This lady always tells me that I remind her of Bette Midler.  Which I am not that proud of.  I don't know if she says it because she thinks I look like her or if it has something to do with personality.  Either way, I'm either manly or obnoxious.  What do you guys think?

Ugh.  Maybe she's right, that's kind of scary.

What is your greatest accomplishment?
Um.  How about shoving a giant baby out of myself and then raising her to be pretty freaking awesome after 1-trying to break up with a psycho crack head 2-finding out I was pregnant with crack head's baby while he sat in jail awaiting deportation 3-Dropping out of my first semester of college and wasting the only money I had set aside for school 4-deciding that I actually wanted to be with said loser and spending over $200 on phone cards to call Mexico only to have my heart broken over and over and over again by the same person and 5-just being a crazy emotional pregnant wreck, basically all by myself while being judged by friends and family for getting knocked up, not by a crack head, but *GASP* before I was married!  Sad thing?  I didn't exaggerate any of that.  (I'm not trying to get a pity party or anything, I did kind of bring it on myself.  But that didn't make it suck any less.)

Morning Person? Or Night Owl?
Definitely a night owl.  Which is why I work a 5pm to 5am shift instead of having to wake up at 4 o clock in the morning for the day shift.  It's also the reason that whenever Cangrejo wakes me up he has Isabel with him as protection.

A skill you'd love to learn
I'd really be up for learning just about anything.  I LOVE learning new stuff.  However, I would like to learn how to do some more advanced sewing stuff.  I can do basic things, but I wish I could do more.  Also I wish I had the patience to bake.

What is your worst habit?
Probably eating.  Seriously.  I'm an emotional eater.  Whenever I have a high or low of any sort I feel like I HAVE to eat something.  And not anything healthy, it has to be something yummy.  Like half a bag of chocolate chips.  For real though, it's really hard to control myself especially if I'm mad.

If you could live anywhere in the world besides your current location, where would that be?
Ohhhh man.  That's a tough one.  Seriously though, one day I WILL have a house in El Salvador.  On the beach.  The house where Cangrejo's grandparent's live is technically his.  They've willed it to him so when they're gone it's ours.  The location is scary.  It's getting pretty dangerous where they live right now with gangs fighting over territory, but it's where Cangrejo lived for his whole life.  Things could be better by the time we're responsible for that house though.  People down there can really hang on for a looonnnggggg time.  His great grandma is like 96 years old and blind but from what I hear she's still really active.  Anyways, I want to have a beach house in El Salvador.....or Mexico, but I don't think Cangrejo will really go with that one.